Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We got so high we made milksteak
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize