I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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