My hair reeks of homosexuality.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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