I want to walk on stilts...naked
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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