If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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