im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
