Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
