New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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