I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
