I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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