Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
