I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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