based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize