I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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