you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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