I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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