Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
