Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the condom got lost in my hair
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
