For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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