I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
