There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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