well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
