I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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