im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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