I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
