My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
