Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
