I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
