I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
