I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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