her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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