Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
