Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
