i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
