I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
