dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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