Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
