I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
