My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
