Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
