Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
