I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
