As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize