Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
