i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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