Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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