jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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