I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
