someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
