So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
