Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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