He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize