You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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